Struggle and Success - My Hell and Heaven on Earth

Note: If you prefer to listen to this post (not 100% the same, close to it though) then you can access it by clicking here.

Much of my life has been full of ghosts. These ghosts have been haunting me for quite some time. They have been haunting me because of the sexual and emotional abuse that I have suffered from the hands of others. It also is full of ghosts of what losing my dad - when I was 12 to suicide - did to me and what trying to convince him his life was worth living did to me. Those ghosts aren't because he ended his life, they are because I couldn't save him. Not much time passed though before I learned why I couldn't save him, as I was in close to the same mental state as he was.


Starting from approximately ten years old, I was sexually abused by a family member. He made me believe that certain things were normal things that people did. At the same time, he made sure I didn't tell anybody. Since I was so young, I didn't realize how wrong it was. They didn't talk about incest/sexual abuse back then as they do now. This person, he taught me to trade my body for drugs and alcohol. He nearly destroyed my life before I even had a chance to begin it.

At twelve I lost my dad. I had lost the fight to convince him that his life was worth living. I always felt my dad emotions very strongly myself - no matter what my mood was, when I would be with him, my mood would change to whatever his was. So I was torn apart. I knew that he became better off and that he was finally at peace, as his hell on earth finally ended. Still though, what I hated the most was that I wasn't with him and that I was forced into remaining on this earth. I hated that he didn't allow me to escape with him. This earth went from being his hell to being my hell. It remained my living hell until I was close to 33. From 10 to almost 33, I was emotionally and sexually abused by more guys than I can remember.

I was raped at least once when I was 14. Yes, I ended up agreeing to do stuff. However that was only after physically fighting to not do anything. I didn't want to cave, however I wasn't sure what the repercussions of not doing so would be. I was 14, physically fighting an 18 year old. Over the years more "boyfriends" sexually and emotionally abused me. They co-horsed me into doing sexual acts that I did not want to do. Sexual acts that repulsed me and that I hated. Things that just hurt me physically and mentally.

I was so broken, that a few years ago I got so the point where I lost every single bit of hope I had. So after about twenty years of struggling with me wishing for death, I finally did what I could to make it happen. I didn't try to kill myself - from what I was told I did kill myself. The loser that I was with at the time said that my heart stopped and that he had to perform CPR. I was so angry when I woke up. At the same time I was happy because I thought he cared enough to save me At the same time as well, I was unhappy that he did it still. Later I asked him why he saved me, when he was so cruel to me so much of the time. His answer was that he didn't want a dead body lying on his floor.

Then the next guy almost broke me by the same amount. The only thing that really saved me was my fear of failing at death again. I know the pain all too well of seeing somebody in misery because they failed at their escape, because of all of my dad's failed attempts. This guy pretended to be great in the beginning and then when I was sucked in he completely changed. He sexually and emotionally abused me more than any other guy had in the past. One of my problems is that I like to and feel a need to please other people. I don't want to be a disappointment, I don't. The abusive guys are great at seeing those weaknesses and seeing how much a person cares . They love to see it because they love to use that against you. They love to pull the guilt card too, even when you do nothing wrong.  The abusive men excel at making people feel guilty for what you did or didn't do and then co-horsing you to do things you don't want to do. Things that even violate your soul, every fiber of your soul. They do it and take pleasure out of it. It's a terrible part of humanity and it happens all too often. Once upon a time, I was told that my best and worst quality is the same - it's how much I care about people.

So, for over twenty years I was living in hell on earth. Not many people can say that they have done that or have even experienced a moment of that - even people that live to be in their 90s or 100s. So many people don't know what it's like, what true hell is like. I do. I've known since I was 14 exactly what hell is like. I had been living in it for 4 years already at that point. By the time I was 12, I experienced more things in my life, more bad things in my life than many people in their 80s or even older ever experience in their whole lifetime.

I could be full of regret and darkness. I choose not to. I chose to focus on the positive. One of the positive things is the fact that since I was 14 I have know my purpose for being alive. I've known that I'm on this earth to help other people. I knew that I was on this earth just to save other people from pain, even though I didn't know how. Still, that was the reason why I believe I was saved from death so many times by some form of higher power (I'm spiritual, not religious), since my conception. And that's another thing that many older people can never actually say. They frequently never know why they're here on this earth. Thing is, I questioned so many times why I wasn't allowed to die when it sure seemed like I was meant to. Then I got the answer - that I'm here to help others.

Finally last year, I met a man that is beyond my wildest dreams. He truly loves me for who I am. He doesn't hold my past against me. He doesn't love me BECAUSE of my past. Bad guys say that type of thing. I didn't realize how horrible that that statement was then. I now have realized that they loved me because of my past because they knew they could take advantage of it and use it against me.
Matt though is so incredible. 

He is so supportive of all my physical and mental ailments, including me going through brain surgery and potentially dying from it. We said before the brain tumor was found - till death due us part. He's actually has stood by that, despite not being marries. As I have as well. I've done everything I can to live for him and not just to survive, rather to live -  to stay the woman that he fell in love with. He's turned what was hell on earth for me for over 20 years to heaven on earth - even when my body degraded, most likely because of gabapentin. It still remains heaven on earth because he is such an amazing person. Also he showed me the path to being able to fulfilling my purpose, he showed me the path to become a caretaker.

So if you have struggled in your life, please remember, that there are still positive things in almost every negative situation. There is almost always a positive thing that can be found. When you find it, try to hold on to that, instead of the bad. It's not easy. However it is a heck of a lot easier than just trying to not think about the bad. So instead, replace the negative thought(s) with something else (positive) - which is called turning your mind (in DBT at least).

If you have somebody that's abusive mentally, physically or sexually or any combination of those, PLEASE GET AS FAR AWAY AS YOU CAN and DON'T GO BACK. There are many safe houses out there. In my area there is Transitions of PA. The abusive people will say they will change, yet they never really do. It's heartbreaking and you just have to accept that other people aren't always your responsibility, especially if those people don't want to take responsibility for their own lives and their own behavior. Instead they rather blame other people and other things for their horrendous actions. So, if you're in a bad relationship, get away, please.

Don't let people guilt you into doing things. Good people will do their best to not guilt you into doing something. Rather, they frequently try to do the opposite. Sometimes yes, no matter what, you end up guilting somebody. Although that's just by giving them the facts. A note - emotions can be said in a factual way. Instead of saying something like "that was mean" say "I feel that  that behavior was mean." By giving them "just the facts" it's their decision if they do what you request or not, especially if you make it a point to say that you don't want them to be guilted into what you are asking and that you are just sharing the facts. That's what is beneficial to look for in a relationship, not somebody that will use your emotions against you.

So, I know it can be tough to believe that there are people out there that are good and even awesome. I went through twenty years of abuse and I was ready to call it quits on any relationship. One huge difference about this man I have though, is that he is not just a good man, he is an amazing man. He also doesn't claim to be a man and behave like a child, he truly behaves like a man. It's also the fact that neither one of us chased the other. Neither one of us tried to win the other over. We just naturally fell for each other.  The one day I was talking about how so many of exes were assholes and how too many guys are. He made the comment, sounding rather pitiful and adorable at the same time saying "I'm not an asshole." So I can attest, there are some good MEN (well, I should say people, sorry!) out there.

I had been wondering for a little bit before that day if he was interested in me, the way that I realized I was interested in him. So, I took the opening and asked him if he was. That became one of the happiest days of my life. He said he was interested in me. I was so excited after that. Sadly though, because of my mental health conditions I had to try to keep the happiness reigned in. I couldn't let myself get too excited because usually after massive excitement there is a massive crash. I knew even then that he is the perfect guy for me and that I didn't want to risk destroying it because of anything, especially my mind though.

So I've stayed the person that he became attracted to. Even through brain surgery and even through medication nearly killing me. I wanted to stay the woman he fell in love with. I didn't want to go back to that dark and fiery place that I was in for over 20 years because he's such an amazing man and he doesn't deserve that.

So, I guess the moral of the story is, hold out for somebody that makes your life better instead of worse, at least on the average basis. Hold out for somebody that you truly want to remain your best self for. Somebody that gives you more of a reason to keep fighting the darkness. Also one that helps you want to be the best version of yourself for yourself and them of course and others as well. Also to be that person for somebody else, that person that helps the other want to be their best possible self. Always do your best. Remember that everybody is doing the best that they can AND they can be doing better (taken from DBT).

I hope each and every one of you have a good life, a good day, week, month and year and a fantastic life. Of course, I'm not trying to order you to do this. I'm saying that I hope you do, as long as you want. Just a word of advice, if you are at the point where you don't want that anymore, then please look at what's going on in your life and figure out what is destroying you. Then get away from it, even if it means leaving things behind that you don't want to leave behind.

The most important thing is to look out for yourself and not just look out for yourself in a selfish way. Rather to look out for yourself so you can be the best version of yourself and do more for, well really the rest of society. Because every good person that stays good, every person that is in the dark place and becomes good/into the light improves society for the better. You may not ever realize it. Still, by getting out of the darkness, you may save somebody else's life. You may get them out of the darkness and bring them to the light as well. So, always try to be your best self. You won't always succeed and that's ok. It's ok to fail once in a while. It's ok to judge yourself. Just try not to do it too much and in the words of Marsha Linehan - don't judge your judging.

I hope you all have wonderful lives.