*Trigger Warning* My Sexual Abuse Story
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Hi, I'm starting out this video by saying that it may be a trigger for some of you as I will be discussing my personal experiences with sexual abuse.
With everything that is going around and especially the bloody donkeys that ask well why wasn't it reported sooner. There is a reason, because many of us victims end up being abused further when we finally do discuss what happened to us. There are so many people that don't believe it. Or even worse, well maybe not worse, in addition though they may blame us for what happened to us.
So, here's my story, well stories.
When I was 9 or 10 it began for me. My biological half-brother started it all with a lie. He told me that my sister had shown him her chest before and asked me to do so. Because my big sister did it, well I thought she did it, I thought it was something normal. So I did it. Then things progressed more and more.
I'm honestly not sure how far things ever went. I don't remember ever going the whole way. However, once upon a time, he made a comment to me that made me question my memory. So I really don't know.
When I was 10, he taught me to be a drug whore. He taught me to trade myself for drugs and alcohol. Him and his friends were partying downstairs in the basement where his room was and I wanted to join in. So he told me that I could, if I did the things we did before again for him. So, that's when I learned when I was 10 years old, from my brother that was 16, to trade myself.
I didn't tell anybody until I was 18 because I felt guilty for it. I felt that it was my fault for not knowing better, even though I was 10 years old when it started - well 9 or 10. When I did finally learn how wrong it was, I stopped it. After I shared my experience with the guy I was with at the time, he was very compassionate.
So it gave the courage to tell more people. Some people were compassionate. One person in particular - our sister - she made excuses for him. She came up with reasons why he might have done it. Instead of being supportive of me, she was supportive of him. She said it was because she didn't know how to react. Either way, you shouldn't victimize the victim even more.
I was subjected to seeing him at family events. My sister asked me if it was ok if he would go and I didn't want to be the bad person that said no. So, not sure if it was the first event that I saw him I was at or not, I had said for him not to speak to me to me, unless it was to say sorry. Which of course he never did.
His voice got to me so much, it was so devastating. I ended up coming out to my cousins about what had happened and one of my cousins didn't even believe me. She said something along the lines of "if it even happened." Again, that's not something that should be said to a victim.
I'm not sure if it was before or after the party, I'm thinking it was before, I had written my biological half-brother - I refer to him as that because just because he's blood, doesn't mean he's family - and I told him how he nearly destroyed my life and his reaction was that he was sorry. Then he continued to say he was sorry we couldn't do it anymore. That was when I was 18 and so he was 24. So he knew better. I know for a fact that he knew better because of it all starting with a lie.
Fast forward, to when I was 14. I wasn't able to cope with living in my own personal hell on earth anymore. So I went to drugs and alcohol for help. Because of what my biological half-brother had taught me, I knew how I could get drugs and alcohol at such a young age. I traded myself for them and it was a very dangerous downward spiral. I was going to be in marching band and then during band camp I decided not to go because I needed to drink instead.
One of my boyfriends, when I was 14 or 15, one day we went to a hotel. I told him that I didn't want to have sexual relations that day and he said that that was fine. Eventually when we got there though, he started to try stuff. I ended up physically fighting him because I didn't want to do it. Finally, because I was worried about what it would become for the physical fight and how I would get home, I caved. I said ok we can do it, as long as I can hit the pipe first. He was so proud of his little pot head, he even said that. So, for years I lived with that guilt as well. To this day I don't know if that was technically rape or not because I eventually agreed. However, I agreed for my survival.
I've discussed these things finally, years later. However, for a long time I didn't because of my guilt of what I did wrong. When really, I did nothing wrong. It was abusers. So everybody that is asking "why didn't she report it sooner" you need to be asking instead "why these people felt that they had the right to abuse other people."
It's just devastating and sharing it can be even more devastating because of how much some people dismiss the victims, us victims and how they defend the attackers instead of the victims. It's just a very, very difficult thing to share. Besides even the continued abuse from other people that are being judgmental, hypocritical donkeys, reliving the devastation that one experienced is traumatic in itself. It's something that should be supported and not looked down upon.
Click here to read the 2nd part of my sexual abuse story.
So, here's my story, well stories.
When I was 9 or 10 it began for me. My biological half-brother started it all with a lie. He told me that my sister had shown him her chest before and asked me to do so. Because my big sister did it, well I thought she did it, I thought it was something normal. So I did it. Then things progressed more and more.
I'm honestly not sure how far things ever went. I don't remember ever going the whole way. However, once upon a time, he made a comment to me that made me question my memory. So I really don't know.
When I was 10, he taught me to be a drug whore. He taught me to trade myself for drugs and alcohol. Him and his friends were partying downstairs in the basement where his room was and I wanted to join in. So he told me that I could, if I did the things we did before again for him. So, that's when I learned when I was 10 years old, from my brother that was 16, to trade myself.
I didn't tell anybody until I was 18 because I felt guilty for it. I felt that it was my fault for not knowing better, even though I was 10 years old when it started - well 9 or 10. When I did finally learn how wrong it was, I stopped it. After I shared my experience with the guy I was with at the time, he was very compassionate.
So it gave the courage to tell more people. Some people were compassionate. One person in particular - our sister - she made excuses for him. She came up with reasons why he might have done it. Instead of being supportive of me, she was supportive of him. She said it was because she didn't know how to react. Either way, you shouldn't victimize the victim even more.
I was subjected to seeing him at family events. My sister asked me if it was ok if he would go and I didn't want to be the bad person that said no. So, not sure if it was the first event that I saw him I was at or not, I had said for him not to speak to me to me, unless it was to say sorry. Which of course he never did.
His voice got to me so much, it was so devastating. I ended up coming out to my cousins about what had happened and one of my cousins didn't even believe me. She said something along the lines of "if it even happened." Again, that's not something that should be said to a victim.
I'm not sure if it was before or after the party, I'm thinking it was before, I had written my biological half-brother - I refer to him as that because just because he's blood, doesn't mean he's family - and I told him how he nearly destroyed my life and his reaction was that he was sorry. Then he continued to say he was sorry we couldn't do it anymore. That was when I was 18 and so he was 24. So he knew better. I know for a fact that he knew better because of it all starting with a lie.
Fast forward, to when I was 14. I wasn't able to cope with living in my own personal hell on earth anymore. So I went to drugs and alcohol for help. Because of what my biological half-brother had taught me, I knew how I could get drugs and alcohol at such a young age. I traded myself for them and it was a very dangerous downward spiral. I was going to be in marching band and then during band camp I decided not to go because I needed to drink instead.
One of my boyfriends, when I was 14 or 15, one day we went to a hotel. I told him that I didn't want to have sexual relations that day and he said that that was fine. Eventually when we got there though, he started to try stuff. I ended up physically fighting him because I didn't want to do it. Finally, because I was worried about what it would become for the physical fight and how I would get home, I caved. I said ok we can do it, as long as I can hit the pipe first. He was so proud of his little pot head, he even said that. So, for years I lived with that guilt as well. To this day I don't know if that was technically rape or not because I eventually agreed. However, I agreed for my survival.
I've discussed these things finally, years later. However, for a long time I didn't because of my guilt of what I did wrong. When really, I did nothing wrong. It was abusers. So everybody that is asking "why didn't she report it sooner" you need to be asking instead "why these people felt that they had the right to abuse other people."
It's just devastating and sharing it can be even more devastating because of how much some people dismiss the victims, us victims and how they defend the attackers instead of the victims. It's just a very, very difficult thing to share. Besides even the continued abuse from other people that are being judgmental, hypocritical donkeys, reliving the devastation that one experienced is traumatic in itself. It's something that should be supported and not looked down upon.
Click here to read the 2nd part of my sexual abuse story.
my dearest Lucy, I'm so very sorry you endured this abuse. I totally agree with you about the guilt & shame, we as victims, carry with us & that somehow, it was our fault. I hope you are finding some healing for your wounded inner child. You have my love & support. your friend always, Cyndi
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