TW ~ My Sexual Abuse Story Part 2

Hi, I want to start out by saying that this may be a trigger for some people.  I'm going to continue to continue to talk about my sexual abuse story. I talked about what I experienced when I was about 10 years old because of my biological half-brother and now I'm going to talk about what I experienced from one of my so-called boyfriends when I was 14. So, um, for a long time I didn't even know if it was concerned rape because I eventually caved and said yes. So here's the story.

I was, as I said 14. He was 20 or 21. He was still in high school though, senior year. I was a freshman. I don't know how long we were together. I don't think it was that long, I don't think. I had been with somebody else. I hadn't quite broken up with him when I went back to this guy.

The first time the sexual abuse happened this guy told me you have to either have to suck me or let me do it up your rear. I sucked him, which I didn't like doing. He ended up holding my head down, like forced it down. I should have bit him, but I was afraid of what would happen if I did that.

The worst time that happened that was with him was with 2 of his friends and was with 2 of his friends that were about his age. I wasn't in the mood to do sexual activities so I told him I didn't want to have sex. He said that was fine. At some point when we got to the hotel he decided - well I'm sure he decided before that - he started with sexual behavior.

I told him I didn't want to do it, that he agreed that we weren't going to have to do it and he continued to peruse it. I physically fought him and he wouldn't stop so eventually, as I said I caved. I was already smoking week then - because of my biological half-brother - and I was getting drunk because of my biological half-brother and I was trading myself for drugs and alcohol because of my biological half-brother, so I told him ok I'll do it, just let me get high first. He was like "awwwww, that's my good little pothead." I hated it with every fiber of my being.

I'm 35 now. As I said, it took until this year to know if it was rape or not because of me caving. My mom always told me that if I needed a ride home because of somebody being drunk that she would give me a ride home, no questions asked, but we never discussed this because she couldn't fathom that I would be in a situation like that.

So I was afraid of what was going to happen. I was afraid of what he would do if I continued to fight back. I was afraid of calling my mom and telling her I was at a hotel with this 20-21 year old guy when I was 14. I was afraid of getting in trouble. So I caved and it's something that ate at my soul. It was the beginning of so much abuse, emotional and sexual abuse. I've always been a fighter, so guys didn't physically abuse me. But a lot of people say emotional abuse is worse.

So, if you've experienced anything like this don't do what I did. Don't stay quiet. Talk about it. Get your feelings out there. Get your struggle out there. Don't let the evil people consume your life and torment you, longer than you have to have it go on for.

Click here to read the 1st part of my sexual abuse story.